Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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