you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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