his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
