OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
