Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
