Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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