Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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