i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
