you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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