On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
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