Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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