I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
