the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
