Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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