Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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