3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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