chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
