i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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