i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
