I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
