overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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