I have demons in me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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