ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
