I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
