god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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