We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
