If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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