Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
