dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize