Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
