she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
