hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
