I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
