woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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