took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
