Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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