my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
