WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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