If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
