Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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