3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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