Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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