he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
