he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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