I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize