i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
