I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize