I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
