I'm jealous of your bromance
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
