I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
