I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
