I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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