you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
