It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
