i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Randomize
