when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
