my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
