You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
