Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
