Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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