Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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