Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
