Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
