I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
